i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
