so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
