remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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