this beer tastes like vomit already
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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