Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
