im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
