Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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