Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
