dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize