Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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