We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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