apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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