I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
