so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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