I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
