Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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