god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
