What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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