She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize