i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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