Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
