i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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