just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
