He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
