The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
