Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
