I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
