I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
