Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize