i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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