i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize