In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
