there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
