where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
