Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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