tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
