I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
