So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
