Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
the liver wants what the liver wants
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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