God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
