remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she told me i tasted like america
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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