Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
