I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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