I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
