He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
