I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
