he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
