Don't you send me to vm
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
