I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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