I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
