don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Come share oat with me in your robe
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
