Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
