My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
