I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
