Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
