Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
