what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize