she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
