shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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