i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
