I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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