and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
