It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize